you and me being you and me

I dont understand the constant changes people have in their personalities. I can't understand why there has to be a worry or thought about how people are going to act. I try my best to be as real as possible. I am who i am. I dont lie about my life, my relationship with Christ, my relationships with people.

sometimes, its hard to be honest with people. i get that. i struggle with it. Like if someone's doing some stupid crap, its best to let them know, rather than go on with it, but sometimes, that also calls for some

how could...

A lot of the time, I start to feel very wronged about all the things people have done or haven't done to me. I feel very rejected, upset, alone. I feel resentment, regret, anger. But when i start to feel that way, i really have to take my thoughts and feelings under control... Otherwise, they control you...

like...

how could you completely replace me?
how could you just find someone new to be your best friend?
was i not worth it all?
how could you lie about everything and still keep your "godly" role in the church?
how could you stand up for them?
how could you NOT know that its wrong?
why the double standard?
why dont i fit the mold to be in that double standard?
why dont you like me?
how could you just ignore me?
how could our friendship that was so deep, just be gone in one second?

that thinking is wrong. and i have to keep those thoughts out of my mind. When i do begin to feel that way, i just pray that God change the subject in my mind because i will go insane if he doesnt. I've had to let a lot of things go, and accept a lot of wrong things that i shouldnt have had to, but ive also moved on from all of those things.

I have the happiest life. and i feel i deserve it too. Duane is the most encouraging, strong wall, husband that i need. He helps me forgive and forget. He teaches me to not hold onto things and to love people. Duane is the most loving creature i have ever met. I am so lucky and blessed to be married to a man like him. He is my best friend, and sometimes, hes my only friend. and im lucky to have him. Our relationship was based on a friendship. He and i were friends for 4 years, and we got closer until he was asking me to be his girlfriend. We werent based on lies and secrets, immorality, deception, rejection. We just were. It was that simple.

So, after i get all those thoughts out of my mind, i start to think,

how could i be so lucky?
How is it that he still loves me?
How can i be a better wife to him?
When can we go on a missions trip together to strengthen our marriage?
How could you be the only person i need besides God?
How could our friendship get any deeper and closer?
how could i love him any more than i do now?

Duane and i are one in a million. and i love him with all my heart.

Save yo drama fo yo mama

I finally got onto the computer yesterday since i started working my new job's schedule. It killed me at first, but im adjusting. I work about 11 hours a day at least two days a week. So i'm making some good money. Duane was really happy with my first paycheck since starting these hours. We get to pay off the credit card and i get to get new jeans!!! ^_^

So i have this awesome new friend Jess. She's so great and i love hanging out with her. We go thrifting together. I used to hate thrift store cause i could never find anything, but she taught me how to look, and how to put some really adorable outfits together. We are going to a thrift store up in college park today. She saw a wedding dress there that she wants, and we all told her that she should get it. haha We also have started goign to Yoga and Pilatese every monday evening and we love it. We get dressed up in cute work out clothes. She always looks way cuter. haha It's nice having a girl my age to hangout with and not have any drama with.