Do you ever feel like you're the odd man out? Like that game people played as children.

you and me being you and me

I dont understand the constant changes people have in their personalities. I can't understand why there has to be a worry or thought about how people are going to act. I try my best to be as real as possible. I am who i am. I dont lie about my life, my relationship with Christ, my relationships with people.

sometimes, its hard to be honest with people. i get that. i struggle with it. Like if someone's doing some stupid crap, its best to let them know, rather than go on with it, but sometimes, that also calls for some

how could...

A lot of the time, I start to feel very wronged about all the things people have done or haven't done to me. I feel very rejected, upset, alone. I feel resentment, regret, anger. But when i start to feel that way, i really have to take my thoughts and feelings under control... Otherwise, they control you...

like...

how could you completely replace me?
how could you just find someone new to be your best friend?
was i not worth it all?
how could you lie about everything and still keep your "godly" role in the church?
how could you stand up for them?
how could you NOT know that its wrong?
why the double standard?
why dont i fit the mold to be in that double standard?
why dont you like me?
how could you just ignore me?
how could our friendship that was so deep, just be gone in one second?

that thinking is wrong. and i have to keep those thoughts out of my mind. When i do begin to feel that way, i just pray that God change the subject in my mind because i will go insane if he doesnt. I've had to let a lot of things go, and accept a lot of wrong things that i shouldnt have had to, but ive also moved on from all of those things.

I have the happiest life. and i feel i deserve it too. Duane is the most encouraging, strong wall, husband that i need. He helps me forgive and forget. He teaches me to not hold onto things and to love people. Duane is the most loving creature i have ever met. I am so lucky and blessed to be married to a man like him. He is my best friend, and sometimes, hes my only friend. and im lucky to have him. Our relationship was based on a friendship. He and i were friends for 4 years, and we got closer until he was asking me to be his girlfriend. We werent based on lies and secrets, immorality, deception, rejection. We just were. It was that simple.

So, after i get all those thoughts out of my mind, i start to think,

how could i be so lucky?
How is it that he still loves me?
How can i be a better wife to him?
When can we go on a missions trip together to strengthen our marriage?
How could you be the only person i need besides God?
How could our friendship get any deeper and closer?
how could i love him any more than i do now?

Duane and i are one in a million. and i love him with all my heart.

Save yo drama fo yo mama

I finally got onto the computer yesterday since i started working my new job's schedule. It killed me at first, but im adjusting. I work about 11 hours a day at least two days a week. So i'm making some good money. Duane was really happy with my first paycheck since starting these hours. We get to pay off the credit card and i get to get new jeans!!! ^_^

So i have this awesome new friend Jess. She's so great and i love hanging out with her. We go thrifting together. I used to hate thrift store cause i could never find anything, but she taught me how to look, and how to put some really adorable outfits together. We are going to a thrift store up in college park today. She saw a wedding dress there that she wants, and we all told her that she should get it. haha We also have started goign to Yoga and Pilatese every monday evening and we love it. We get dressed up in cute work out clothes. She always looks way cuter. haha It's nice having a girl my age to hangout with and not have any drama with.

nothing lasts...not even hair color

My hero, by far, is Audrey Hepburn!

I own nearly all of her works, and adore them all. She was such a talented lady and had a lot of grace too. But i love how she knew how to have fun and be crazy. You dont see hollywood how it used to be any more, like all things though. History changes and people change, rules change, styles change. Somehow being a drug and alcohol addict is cool now, and people take pity on you. It's quite sad.

lol

There are no more grace kelly's, clark gables, james stewarts, and even though Maralin Monroe was a bit trashy, she was still amazingly beautiful! It's just not the same. Last year isnt the same as this year!! I'm not planning my wedding any more, i get to live my life and be a wife and have fun!! I'm adjusting to a new way of living, and i love it! I'm learning to cook (which i am getting to be amazing at) i have to continuously clean. Before it was a once every 3 month extravaganza. I can't do that any more!!! I own two little kitties and they are adorable. But they are a lot of work. I'm dead serious, these cats are crazy. I have never owned cats like them before and i love them to death. They are my children.

This week isnt the same as last week. Last monday was the last straw for me, and i couldnt take it any more. I was done. I am officially a beauty school drop out.

I didnt feel like i was learning what i should, i wasnt learning enough, and it was always next week that we would really get crackin. But life is too short to start next week!! I wasnt making enough money to help pay the bills. Duane cant be the only one bringing in money. So i quit. I was there for over a year, but i dont count that as waste. Maybe i didnt learn as much as i should have about hair, but i learn plenty about life and love...

maybe more than i should have.

lol

so im on a new quest. Should i stay put at the job i have now and hopefully get more hours, or should i find a new job???? I'm in school which makes it impossible for me to work full time. But this is the school i want to keep doing. I tried doing hair. I was good at it, but it wasnt for me. After you put color on, you have to redo it after 6 weeks or so,

“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.” - Audrey Hepburn

Goodbye hair school...

hello life...

hello

it's always so awkward to post the first blog. lol

i never capitalize or punctuate because word document for windows has taught me to do so because they fix everything for you as you type... so i may be lazy. This is the highest form of therapy for me. I cant always express myself with words by speech, but i can by writing which is why i am writing all the time. I have always blogged and written all of my thoughts. Mostly in diaries to imaginary people who i would complain to and hate on people. haha, i hated my life as a teenager and writing in a diary to Cleo and then to Stella really did help me to cope with everything. After i finished those books and could no longer think of any other psychics names, i started blogging to God and actually telling a REAL person my problems, thoughts and feelings. i have never written the same way. You dont tell God that you hate your mom or your family, and by blogging to God, i get a responce to the things i write. It's much better. There is a different perspective.

With all of my writings over my life, and how i have found comfort in it, i have developed a desire to write a book in my lifetime. Not about anything specific, but about life. It would be my biggest blog ever. I have learned a lot in my short life, maybe more than i should have because of my choices in life, but i have learned hard lessons that i wish to pass on.

things i hate:

• ignorance
• cattyness
• most girls
• money
• being cold
• stinky people
• dirty bed sheets
• my mom's truck
• full time office jobs

things i love:

• food
• my ds
• intellectual discussions
• my family
• my journals
• bible
• music
• concerts
• clothes
• hair color